How Not To Facebook

Lauren Says -

 Let's start with a quiz:

Flow chart made by me! (I am never, EVER making a flow chart again)

Online social networking. Be it the death of us, or the making of us, it’s becoming very hard to avoid. The phrase, “Oh my God, my mum got facebook!” is quickly losing cache, as suddenly everyone’s mothers begin to log on and upload. (By the way, my mum, who is pretty proficient at facebook, is also one of our most avid readers, so Hi Mum! Congrats on your Internet abilities!)

With technology advancing so quickly, sometimes it takes awhile for society to catch up. Social rules, norms and standards take time to cultivate, and while we’ve been getting used to being able to share our every thought and deed with the world twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, some of us have developed alarming habits relating to the use of social media, in particular facebook. Please, allow me to be so pompous as to share a few of my own created rules and tricks for how, or more accurately, how not, to facebook.

Firstly, don’t be rude on the internet. Do I need to repeat? DON’T BE RUDE ON THE INTERNET! My mother used to tell me to never write anything negative down on paper, lest it fall into the wrong hands and then never be able to be erased. Nowadays, though, I think we need to be even more careful. When, in ye good ole days of paper correspondence, you could sneak into a foe’s house, steal the offending letter and burn it, all it takes now is for someone handy at using print screen to spot an offensive facebook remark for it to be saved permanently to your record. Save your meanness for a less public outlet, or even better yet, become a master yogi, breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.

Secondly, don’t be drunk on the internet! Is it really cool to post a typo-ridden diatribe of your innermost, alcohol scrambled thoughts on facebook? You might think so at 3:48am when the vodka’s swimming in your head and not being able to feel your nose seems hilarious, but believe me, it’s not.

Also, facebook is a wasteland of crushed hopes and dreams when it comes to the romantic department. Look at your list of hundreds of friends, at least ten of those are people you’ve always wanted to jump on but have never had the chance/courage/been single/actually met them, aren’t they? Alcohol, combined with the seeming detachment of online, can make people do stupid, stupid things. Believe me, Johnny Hotsville is not going to come running into your arms because one foolish, tipsy evening you thought it’d be alluring to comment on every one of his two hundred photos, each with a variation of ‘oh em GEE you’re so SEXY HAWT RIGHT NOW xxx’. Facebook and alcohol don’t mix. The end.

My final pointer for all you befuddled facebookers out there; beware, for employers will look at your facebook page. I know, I know, it sounds crazy. I used to think that too. Until I started employing people myself. I regularly jump on facebook when I receive resumes, firstly so I can put a face to the name and so when the person arrives to their interview I know who they are, and secondly because I’m a bit judgemental, facebook has taught me how to be so, and if the person in question commits any of the crimes mentioned on the flow chart above…well…I might pass them over. I know it seems petty, but people, it’s happening. So clean up your act if you’re on the job hunt, because you never know who’s looking.

It all seems like common sense, but so many of us fall into the habit of facebooking badly. I myself am not perfect, I mainly use facebook to stalk others, and rarely remember to post anything myself, which is not what I would really call networking. One day we’ll all calm down, I do believe, as the next big thing takes over and facebook is relegated to the Myspace of the twenty tens, and maybe gain some perspective on what we’re really putting out there on the internet. Until then, let’s all try to be a little less douche-y on facebook. The online social world will thank us.