How NOT to Facebook; Part Two.

Ell-Leigh Says;


Facebook. It’s a noun, it’s a verb, it’s a way of instantly communicating with hundreds of your “friends” despite distance (figurative and literal) but as it was said in the first Spiderman movie, "with great power comes great responsibility". My friends, it’s time to man-up and take responsibility. Stop abusing your friendships through poor Facebook etiquette, self-indulgent status updates and badly photoshopped profile pictures. Really people? What, what, what are you doing.

Picture this. Out in the wide universe there is a race, like us, only peaceful and intelligent. They have searched for millennia for a species like their own. They pick up some sort of foreign signal from a far away galaxy, which those who inhabit it call The Milky Way. The leaders announce the discovery and the masses rejoice. Their best and brightest are banded together to make some sense of this signal – working tirelessly for hours until suddenly, one of them, a young spectacled green skinned nerd named Mahbleakbleak, finds the key – the key that unlocks what we call, the internet.

Mostly it is full of porn, thinspo blogs, illegal movies, poorly written fanfiction and videos of people’s pets or children doing generally "cute" (translation: boring and pointless) things. With a little research they discover that a website called Facebook is the means of understanding the human race. They open the website and what do they find?

Blah blah just got a high score on bejewelled! So-and-so’s status update; “mym mom is lyk, a total bitch cuz she took my fone! I h8 her so much I wanna dye! BTW plz chck out my new photoooooz plz plz luv ya byeeeee”, a hacked account say how “omg, this teenage girl posted this video just before she committed suicide”, and “Britney”, the bleach blonde with the suggestive photo who has sent them a friend request.

Would you want to befriend our civilisation? I didn’t think so.

So I understand that the above illustration may seem a little far-fetched, but the basis is true – people judge you according to your facebook profile. This is a modern day truth. Companies who might hire you can find you and the photos of your drunken shenanigans with a quick search and click, family members can find that publicly erotic message you left on that guy’s photo and your attention seeking status updates can seek more attention than perhaps you intended. Most of all, however, your friends see what you put on Facebook, and sometimes, it pisses them off.

Take a look at Lauren’s flow chart. Are you guilty of any of these Facebook sins? I would also include heartfelt status updates of Nickleback lyrics or public narrow-minded opinion arguing in that list as well. If so, you’re not doing this whole internet thing very well, so prepare to change or pay the price.

Because Facebook is something we do have the power to change, which is probably why so many people love it. It’s easy, efficient, and reliable and you have almost complete control over it. Don’t like what someone wrote on your wall? Clickety-click and it’s gone. Don’t like that photo someone posted of you? 2 words – un and tag. Your profile can be smear free if you put the effort in and abstain from indulging in social networking sins. So let’s all band together for a cleaner, less embarrassing Facebook. After all, our galactic friendships may one day count on it.

How Not To Facebook

Lauren Says -

 Let's start with a quiz:

Flow chart made by me! (I am never, EVER making a flow chart again)

Online social networking. Be it the death of us, or the making of us, it’s becoming very hard to avoid. The phrase, “Oh my God, my mum got facebook!” is quickly losing cache, as suddenly everyone’s mothers begin to log on and upload. (By the way, my mum, who is pretty proficient at facebook, is also one of our most avid readers, so Hi Mum! Congrats on your Internet abilities!)

With technology advancing so quickly, sometimes it takes awhile for society to catch up. Social rules, norms and standards take time to cultivate, and while we’ve been getting used to being able to share our every thought and deed with the world twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, some of us have developed alarming habits relating to the use of social media, in particular facebook. Please, allow me to be so pompous as to share a few of my own created rules and tricks for how, or more accurately, how not, to facebook.

Firstly, don’t be rude on the internet. Do I need to repeat? DON’T BE RUDE ON THE INTERNET! My mother used to tell me to never write anything negative down on paper, lest it fall into the wrong hands and then never be able to be erased. Nowadays, though, I think we need to be even more careful. When, in ye good ole days of paper correspondence, you could sneak into a foe’s house, steal the offending letter and burn it, all it takes now is for someone handy at using print screen to spot an offensive facebook remark for it to be saved permanently to your record. Save your meanness for a less public outlet, or even better yet, become a master yogi, breathe in, breathe out, and let it go.

Secondly, don’t be drunk on the internet! Is it really cool to post a typo-ridden diatribe of your innermost, alcohol scrambled thoughts on facebook? You might think so at 3:48am when the vodka’s swimming in your head and not being able to feel your nose seems hilarious, but believe me, it’s not.

Also, facebook is a wasteland of crushed hopes and dreams when it comes to the romantic department. Look at your list of hundreds of friends, at least ten of those are people you’ve always wanted to jump on but have never had the chance/courage/been single/actually met them, aren’t they? Alcohol, combined with the seeming detachment of online, can make people do stupid, stupid things. Believe me, Johnny Hotsville is not going to come running into your arms because one foolish, tipsy evening you thought it’d be alluring to comment on every one of his two hundred photos, each with a variation of ‘oh em GEE you’re so SEXY HAWT RIGHT NOW xxx’. Facebook and alcohol don’t mix. The end.

My final pointer for all you befuddled facebookers out there; beware, for employers will look at your facebook page. I know, I know, it sounds crazy. I used to think that too. Until I started employing people myself. I regularly jump on facebook when I receive resumes, firstly so I can put a face to the name and so when the person arrives to their interview I know who they are, and secondly because I’m a bit judgemental, facebook has taught me how to be so, and if the person in question commits any of the crimes mentioned on the flow chart above…well…I might pass them over. I know it seems petty, but people, it’s happening. So clean up your act if you’re on the job hunt, because you never know who’s looking.

It all seems like common sense, but so many of us fall into the habit of facebooking badly. I myself am not perfect, I mainly use facebook to stalk others, and rarely remember to post anything myself, which is not what I would really call networking. One day we’ll all calm down, I do believe, as the next big thing takes over and facebook is relegated to the Myspace of the twenty tens, and maybe gain some perspective on what we’re really putting out there on the internet. Until then, let’s all try to be a little less douche-y on facebook. The online social world will thank us.   

I'd Like To Thank The Academy...

(Warning: There will be spoilers.)

So it’s that time of year again, when the makers of the films we loved in the past year get together to drink, be merry and award each other statues while looking flawlessly beautiful. Hosted by James Franco and Anne Hathaway, this year’s Oscars seemed to go off without any drama (pun intended) except perhaps the ironically placed ‘f’ word in Melissa Leo’s speech which wasn’t censored in channel 9’s daytime screening, whoopsy. So here is a tangled web of my thoughts on the nominated films I’ve seen, followed by their Oscar results.

The Social Network

The Social Network is the epic bromance that apparently ‘defines our generation’. Gorgeously shot, The Social Network is far more than just a movie about Facebook, with a stunning soundtrack and a script brimming with witty dialogue that is mostly delivered - very quickly - by Jesse Eisenberg’s Zuckerberg (iceburg?). Andrew Garfield is delightful as Eduardo, Zuckerberg’s heartbroken “one friend” and is also, might I just add, great on the eyes. Oh, and Justin Timberlake was pretty good in it too… He should make another album now.

Nominations: Best Picture, Best Writing (adapted) (win), Best cinematography, Best Direction, Best Actor, Best Original Score (win), Best Editing (win), Best Sound Mixing.

Inspires the following: a comment about it in your Facebook status… ooh, meta.

The King’s Speech

Colin Firth playing a king who overcomes a speech impediment partly through the use of repetitive swearing? Yes please! With Helena Bonham-Carter as his charming queen and Queensland’s own Geoffery Rush as his hero/speech therapist/glorified speech and drama teacher? Hells yeah! Although I have to say, despite his brilliant, flawless performance in this movie, which I’m going to assume will win him the best actor Oscar (if it doesn’t I might cry), I think his performance in A Single Man (which he was also nominated for best actor in) was probably more Oscar worthy, however that is just my opinion (…my opinion is basically that Colin Firth deserves all the awards ever, period).

Nominations: Best Picture (win), Best Actor (win), Best Actor in a Supporting Role, Best Direction(win), Best Writing (directly for screen), Best Editing, Best Costume Design, Best Sound Mixing.

Inspires the following: a movie marathon of all of the movies Colin Firth has ever been in ever. Except maybe Bridget Jones 2.

Black Swan

There is so much to love about this film; Natalie Portman descending into madness, gorgeous ballet, pretty costumes, Mila Kunis. The whole film is made of beautiful layers and the story delicately weaves elements of the horror genre in with an authentic realism seamlessly. It’s close to being perfect, in my opinion.

Nominations: Best Picture, Best Actress (win), Best Direction, Best Editing.

Inspires the following: well, it inspired this video: Black Swan Make Up Tutorial

Inception

If it isn’t the Best Film of the year according to the Academy, surely it was “the freaking coolest”. Mind blowing, pun intended (I intend many puns), to say the least, this film was complex, beautiful and almost too clever to actually exist (if it does, actually exist…). The cast was simply brilliant, and the direction was some of the finest of the year. Definitely one of the best films made recently, I'll be getting that one on dvd as soon as funds allow. And Joseph Gordon Levitt has come a long way from 3^rd Rock from the Sun, am I right? BABE.

Nominations: Best Picture, Best Writing (directly for screen), Best Cinematography (win), Best Art Direction, Best Sound Editing (win), Best Visual Effects (win), Best Original Score,

Inspires the following: Incredibly crazy, vivid dreams for the following few days. Mine included flying to India to see a wacky theatre piece by a dude I don’t even really like. And then I woke up. OR DID I?

I didn’t write about Toy Story 3, which deservedly won Best Animated Feature, mostly because I didn’t want to be turned into the blubbering mess I always become when I think about that film. Secondly, I was a little disappointed that “I See The Light” from Tangled didn’t win Best Original Song, because it’s a gorgeous song, and I admit I got a little teary at that point in the film… Animated movies tend to make me lose all emotional control and weep openly despite being in a public place. I have a problem. Admitting it is the first step to recovery.

I only saw The Kids Are Alright a few days ago, and it really blew me away; I was entirely unsurprised that it was nominated in so many categories. There have been some really beautiful films recently that deal with gay and lesbian issues and it makes me really glad that I live in a time where movies like Milk, A Single Man and The Kids Are Alright can be, not only made, but watched by a wide audience and appreciated for the art they are.

The Oscars themselves left me with a feeling of joy. Yes, I am the kind of movie nerd who is filled with happiness by award shows, but this is why. I could’ve just as easily been born into Jane Austen’s time (I have the front-curly-rest-straight hair for it) or in the dark ages, or in the future when giant, laser-eyed, cockroaches keep humans as their slaves/pets. But I wasn’t – I live not only in a time of amazing films with special effects that are only increasingly true in their portrayal of reality, in a time of such brilliant performers as Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett, Hugh Jackman’s abs… but also in a time where the host of the Oscars can live-Tweet backstage, where within minutes of the ceremony I can re-watch the speeches from my desk and gawk at the gorgeous red carpet fashions with hundreds of others on the internet. Of all of the time that planet earth has been in existence, I got to be so lucky as to live now.

And for that, I’d like to thank the Academy.